lots of big things have happened in the last week or so all over the world, and it's only right that I at least give these things a mention in my blog, especially the first of the three I'm about to talk about because, well, it happened here in the UK....
of course, I'm talking about the royal wedding. the moment some people have been waiting for since the day Prince William was born. people had HUGE celebrations! towns had ginormous street parties! there was an extra bank holiday so people could properly get royally crunk! it was ridonkulous...
Kate and William got engaged right before we moved to the UK, and at first, I was all gung ho about fighting my way through crowds in London to be able to tell my hypothetical grandchildren "I was in London for the royal wedding...." stories. however, as the day drew closer, and I started to realize just how crazy the day was going to be, I totally rethought even going anywhere NEAR London that day (honestly, the biggest "I'm not going" decision maker was the fact that I realized how hard it would be to find somewhere to pee, and I pee quite frequently). As it would turn out, I had to work, so I missed even seeing it live on television, but I DID record it, which I was later thankful for because that shit was LOOOOOONG. like, ridiculously long. and the worst part? THEY PRONOUNCED THEM HUSBAND AND WIFE 10 MINUTES INTO THE DAMN THING AND THEN JUST KEPT GOING. what a stupid thing to do, y'all! the whole point of a wedding ceremony is to do all the singing and symbolic shit as a build up to the climactic "I now pronounce you...." part, and these people shot their wad right out of the gate. on top of that, there was no "you may kiss the bride," which I realize is probably considered "tacky" to do at a royal wedding, but what the fuck, dude? and there were SO MANY SONGS. the ceremony was like, an hour an 15 minutes long which is snooze-inducing enough in itself, but you throw in all the boring ass choir antics and kate middleton's brother babbling on about God-knows-what, and I totally check out and my brain shuts off. so you know what I did after they were pronounced man and wife? held down the fast forward button until they got to this:
people can talk shit about william's thinning hair, and how kate is too pretty for him, but I honestly think they are cute, and really seem to dig each other. I think they seem genuinely happy, and this totally staged moment of tenderness did, admittedly, make me go "AWWWWWWWW"
also, can I just say that Kate Middleton is probably the prettiest bride I've ever seen in my life? she was classic and timeless, and every bit a princess. she was totally poised and graceful, and I have no idea how she got through the circus of her wedding without bursting into tears or peeing her pants (dress).
and my very favorite picture from the wedding day: Kate and William leaving their day reception in a car that has the british "L" sticker on it.
for all you americans, here in the UK, it's a huge ordeal and pain in the ass (financially and otherwise) to get your driver's license. they take driving very, very seriously, and if you're still a "learning driver," then you get the fun experience of driving around in your car with a giant "L" sticker on the front and back of your automobile so that people know to watch the fuck out for your sub-par driving ass. i found it so comical that the future king of England, at 29 years old, can fly a rescue helicopter, but he's still a "learning driver," but then again, I guess princes don't really drive themselves much, do they?
the second thing that happened was that Obama produced his birth certificate which was followed quickly by the third thing that happened: the death of osama bin laden. I don't really want to talk about this much, but I will say that if i learned anything from this, it's that about 65% of my facebook friends need speech filters. They spewed some of the most hateful, appallingly racist, and ill informed stuff as their status updates for 3 or 4 days, making me wonder how i could consider some of these people as "friends" (seriously, I was so surprised/disappointed at some of the ignorant crap coming out of people I typically think of as educated.....), but it was balanced out by the funny shit my OTHER friends would post that would make me laugh, such as:
AND.....
most people celebrated the above mentioned events, but there is at least one person who I'm fairly sure is less than happy about either of these events.
MARIAH CAREY.
like I believe most of the events of her life have been since her career took off in the 90's, it seems to me that Mariah Carey had a very specific plan when it came to when she was going to give birth to her babies - one that would guarantee to give her maximum press and maximum attention. I have a theory that she had the babies months ago and has just been keeping them in hiding until the opportune moment came for maximum "hey look at me!" appeal. seriously? Am I the only one who feels like this woman has been pregnant FOR-EV-ER? like, for YEARS? - I remember seeing her on various talk shows and in magazines in November/December right after we got to the UK, and I assumed she was days away from giving birth because she looked like she was about to BURST, and at that point, if her babies were, in fact, born last week, she would have only been about 3-4 months into her pregnancy. I've seen women (yes, women who were pregnant with twins) in the 3rd/4th month of pregnancy, and they weren't nearly as large as MiMi was...I have a theory that her babies were actually due and born much earlier in the year, but Will and Kate stole her thunder with their engagement, so she and her husband (why is nick cannon famous again? someone please enlighten me...) formulated a plan that would be more than a little "AWWWWWW" worthy - they decided to keep the birth of the babies secret until April 30th, which would not only put their birth a day after the royal wedding (assuring them a spot in like, every magazine published that week along with royal wedding coverage, which would be selling like HOTCAKES), but it would also mean that the twins would be born on their 4TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! genius! I can almost picture her auditioning rental babies to play the "newborn" twins in preparation for the onslaught of magazine spreads they would be offered and do before they'd publicly announce that they wished to keep the babies "out of the public eye," from then on, and proceed to keep them hidden until they were old enough that people would be less likely to notice the discrepancies in their age ("they sure look big for one week old babies" puts up far more red flags than "they're pretty big for 2 year olds," am I right?)....
and then, in a real "heartbreaker, you got the best of me" moment, they went and killed osama bin laden, stealing her thunder in the biggest, baddest way possible....how selfish. I can almost guarantee this will keep her from contributing to Obama's presidential re-election campaign....
at least she had a back up plan....unfortunately it was the "let's give our son the most fucked up, humiliatingly ignorant name possible" (Moroccan? After THE DECOR OF THE ROOM NICK PROPOSED TO YOU IN? REALLY? you named your kid after a ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE? and honestly, I would have gone with "Kitchen" - "Kitchen" Cannon rolls of the tongue much easier than "Moroccan" Cannon. Plus, if this starts a trend, I'll have to name my kid "river walk")
on the bright side, there's always another nervous breakdown or divorce to fall back on.....
sorry, Mariah.
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