control

so i've been a bitchy, sobbing, snappy mess for a good chunk of the last few months, and it's time i just get a grip and take control of the situation.

when i woke up yesterday morning, i told myself that i was, from that moment on, going to make a large effort to calm the hell down and stop being SO stressed about the wedding. I'm a little over 24 hours into it, and i'm not sure how well i'm doing, but i can say that i haven't blown up at anyone over anything today (and believe me - there were moments of biting my tongue and mentally counting to ten and all that crap), and i've only cried once (this might not seem that impressive to you, but i typically cry over something trivial at least 3 times a day. ha.) and the crying, for the record, was completely unrelated to the wedding...

i'm feeling better. more hopeful, i guess. more like everything really IS going to be fine. i never envisioned myself ever getting THIS worked up over a wedding, but i have - but it seems like with each day, a new task is completed, and with it, a little stress is relieved. there are still tiny, trivial things that are finding ways to grate on my nerves, but i keep reminding myself that they will work out as well....

part of what's helping is that we've done some exciting things the last few days - for one, we ordered our wedding bands! nothing says pressure like picking out the accessory that you have to love enough to wear every day for the rest of your life with EVERYTHING, but we both made our decisions pretty quickly - the one i chose is the one that was designed to go with my engagement ring (the only decision i really had to make was to have diamonds halfway around or all the way around - i went with halfway....), and gene has pretty much had his ring picked out for months....and while spending that much money in that short of a time is enough to make your head spin, i suppose it's worth it....

we picked out the suits for the groosmen/ushers last week as well - this is something that's been a big stress to me, because i felt like the wedding was coming so quickly, and we still didn't have a suit picked out, so it was a pretty big relief to get it off my shoulders and off my mind - it literally took 10 minutes to pick them out, so i guess maybe i shouldn't have been such a spaz about it, but who knew it would be THAT easy? i mean, it took months of looking for bridesmaids dresses before i found one that didn't make me want to puke, and even longer to find one that i thought would work for the wedding....apparently suits are pretty generic....

we finished up our registries. finally. a month or so ago, we registered at all the typical places - bed, bath and beyond, dillards, williams sonoma....but there are a few stores in my hometown that have bridal registry, and i hadn't quite made it around to all of them to set registries up, but we got it done. gene seemed totally uninterested in the registry process (except when we were at williams sonoma....the $600 espresso machine on the registry? thats ALL gene.....), but i suppose that's the norm for guys. He seemed more concerned about where we are going to PUT all the stuff we get.....i mean, let's be honest - we live in 1,100 square feet with minimal storage space....not much room for extra stuff.....but i have to keep reminding him that someday we WILL have more room, and that the stuff we register for isn't necessarily for right this second - it's stuff you'll use for years - some of it forever....and until then we will just, uh....store it....at my mom's house. HA!

engagement pictures were supposed to happen last week - some unfortunate, unavoidable crap happened, and we had to reschedule for this thursday - in the grand scheme of things its not a HUGE deal, but still kind of an irritating set back....i did get some beyond awesome shoes for them though, so i'm pretty excited about that....

speaking of shoes....this is something that's been on my mind for like, a year - even before i bought my dress, i was worried about finding the perfect shoe - i've gone from one end of the spectrum to another, and i have been to dozens of stores and looked at thousands of shoes....after a lot of disappointment of not finding something that was "just right," i finally found my wedding shoes - check out these beauties:

THIS is my wedding shoe! it took a freaking miracle to find them in THAT color in MY size, but it all worked out and they came in and are fabulous - the only concern i had was that they might make me taller than my dad (they are 4 inches tall!), making our walk down the aisle kind of awkward, but luckily they don't - i'm more excited about my shoes than just about anything....

i've also decided that midway through the reception, i'll probably change into a different (short, but still white (or maybe a very muted pink...) and sorta bridal) dress - mostly because i figure that after being in the dress for half the day, i'll be exhausted and hot....i realize that a lot of people will find this to be crazy because, after all, you only get to wear a wedding gown once in your life, but i have pretty fond memories of feeling that way about my prom dresses and then literally counting down the seconds until i could change into something else - let's be honest - wedding gowns are beautiful, wonderful things, but they are not designed for comfort.....i'd kinda like to close out my reception at least sort of comfortable, and definitely able to go pee without having someone help me in and out of the stall, or having someone hold my skirt up over my head.....of course, this presents the stress of finding another dress, but whatever....i think i can handle it....maybe. possibly.

so for the first time in a while, there's some positivity from me. i'm gonna try my hardest to keep bridezilla down as much and for as long as i can.... emphasis on the word "try".....just kinda got to keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be fun, and to keep my eye on the important things....as hard as it might be and as cloudy as it all gets sometimes.....

they should seriously make pills for this.

unbearable.

as i've said previously, i'm stressed out. beyond all comprehension......and while i often make silly jokes about it, the truth is that it's now affecting my everyday life and my relationships with the people i love the most, and this constant feeling of being on the verge of either being physically ill or going ape shit is getting really, really played out. pretty much everyone has noticed the changes in my personality - the thing i hear the most from people is that my sense of humor has changed - but no matter how hard i try, i can't just magically turn it around, and believe me when i say that i've honestly made an effort....

lately, when i start to get frustrated or angry or even just a little bit irritated i approach it one of 3 ways: (1) i pitch a little bratty fit (complete with eye rolls, tears, rude interruptions and stomping of feet) (2) i completely shut down or (3) i throw up.

the puking thing is a new development, and probably way too much information for the few people who actually read this, but i'm just trying to be as candid and honest as possible. none of these reactions to stress are pleasant, mature, proper or ideal, and they are all completely involuntary - most days when i wake up, i'm already in in a bad mood because i know that by the end of the day, i'm going to want to rip my hair out. if i could just hide under the covers in my bed all day long, i'd probably do it.

of course the planning of the wedding itself HAS been extremely stressful, and i'm sure on some level every bride to be goes through much of what i'm experiencing, but when this all started, i was pretty laid back about it all, and now i'm moody, overly sensitive, pouty person and i hardly recognize myself anymore...i'm so afraid that things are going to go haywire...that vendors won't show up...that the weather is going to be bad...that the flowers won't be the right shade of pink....all these tiny details that i could have cared less about six months ago are suddenly on my mind 24 hours a day. i've told my dress that i'm going to throw it into traffic (seriously, y'all - im getting into one-sided verbal altercations with inanimate objects...i had it on a week ago, was told that a change i wanted to make COULDN'T be made, and i looked down at my dress and threatened to "kill" it.)....i've cried in front of a seamstress.....i'm picking fights and making threats.....i'm a freaking monster in satin, tulle and an overpriced crystal headband....

there are strains being put on some of the most important relationships in my life - my mom (who has put up with so much crap from me over the last couple of months that she should be nominated for sainthood, or at the very least have a street named after her) and i had what HAS to be the WORST argument in the 28 years i've been alive over things that are so insignificant and stupid that i can't even really remember what they were - i screamed, rolled my eyes, pitched a fit and then threw up for 15 minutes over god only knows what....i don't fight with my mom. EVER - yes, we don't always see eye to eye on everything, and every once in a while we have our disagreements, but we never FIGHT - and this little episode was so ridiculous that i've seriously felt guilty about it every day since it happened. how dare i be such a 'zilla to the person who has done everything humanly possible to make this the wedding i want it to be (not to mention the million other things she's done for me in my life)......my mom is one of the most giving, selfless people on the planet, and to know that i possibly hurt her feelings at all with my little tantrum breaks my heart.....

and I can't tell you how many times i've just snapped at gene for no reason aside from being stressed and having nowhere to really direct it except at the person who is closest to me at the time - he gets the brunt of everything, and i honestly don't know how he stands to be around me on a daily basis. it just builds up inside me all day long, and then i come home and spew my bad mood all over his good day....it's not intentional at all - he's simply an innocent bystander - and in a way, the fact that i'm so comfortable around him is working against him in this situation, because it means i'm comfortable enough to lose my shit without really thinking about it - i know that i'm difficult to be around most of the time lately, and yet he is still as understanding as he's always been.

i can't even tell you how much time i've spent just sobbing for no apparent reason at all. it just comes out of me and it's as if i can't stop it. last night i laid in bed trying to get to the core of what my problem really is - i mean, the stress isn't ALL about the wedding - it's work, it's school, it's having zero time to relax, it's worrying about the future....it's the sheer idea of actually being MARRIED.....

not that i don't WANT to get married, because i really sincerely do. i found the right person (and if anything has proven that to me, it's that he's continued to love me through all of this), who i love more than i ever thought could be humanly possible, and i really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but i'm truly terrified of what being married means. i come from a family with ZERO divorces. we apparently beat the odds and mate for life. i was raised with amazing examples of people who truly, deeply love and respect each other, and because of these examples, i take marriage VERY seriously. now, i'm not saying that other people DON'T, (because i don't think it's too often that people go into a marriage ever expecting it to fail)but i do think there are quite a few people who approach it as "alright. we love each other, marriage is the next logical step, let's see how it goes" - according to every stupid bridal magazine i've read, getting married is supposed to be this big fun adventure, but, with the wedding now quickly approaching, i'm feeling a kind of anxiety that i've never experienced in my life. i'm worrying about things that aren't even halfway relevant to our lives right now - example? last week, i was driving in the car and i almost hyperventilated at the thought of not being able to put a kid through college. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

i'm terrified that i'm going to suck at being a wife - this is pretty damn irrational, right? i mean, i'm a GREAT girlfriend, but getting that way took a LOT of practice - there was quite a bit of trial and error that you get with dating that you don't get with marriage - it's a pass/fail kind of situation - this "wife" thing is brand new territory, and even though i don't really think there will be much of a difference in our day to day life, this new title STILL carries so much responsibility in my mind, and i'm so scared of failing at it's making me NUTS.

then, there's the thought of having a child - granted, we likely won't be having a child of our own for at least a couple (three? five? seven?) years, this is still something that i think about quite a bit. i could write all night long about my fears of having a child and screwing him or her up beyond repair just by saying or doing the wrong thing on accident - i'm noticing more and more that people are so deeply affected by things that happen to them in their first few years of life that the tiniest things can flip a switch in their brains that screw them up (like, my kid will need extensive therapy for separation anxiety that she starts experiencing in her teens, because i picked her up late from dance class once when she was 3 and a half or something CRAZY like that...you catch my drift), and the thought of being given this gift of a child and then profoundly scarring them accidentally somehow scares the shit out of me - look, i see my friends who have kids and it seems so natural and effortless to them - they are all exceptionally good parents - and i'm scared that it won't be that way for me. -in fact, i'm scared of babies. to me, they are cute little breakable things that occasionally make noises that i need to have translated for me, and while my instincts say "of COURSE you want a baby," another part of me thinks "maybe you aren't cut out for this...." yes, i'm about to have a step daughter, and don't think that i'm not constantly worried about screwing HER up, too.......that's a whole other blog entry of it's own. sheesh.

i could go on and on about the things that are stressing me out, but i think the key thing i need to focus on now is alleviating as much stress as i can, and doing so in ways that are healthy, and that don't leave a path of moody destruction wherever i go....i'm going to make sure to take a little more time for myself, and try to take better care of ME. gene and i started going to the gym, and even though we just started, i already feel a little bit like my stress level has reduced a bit. maybe being active is what i need to blow off some steam.

i'm also going to keep reminding myself of something my mom reminded me that i use to say all the time in the beginning stages of this planning process: the important thing is that we are getting married. none of this other crap matters.

it's easy to get wrapped up in everything - shades of pink...flavors of cake....numbers of chairs...menus....schedules....but if you lose site of what's important - that you're starting a life with the person who means the world to you - then what's the point of any of it? am i right?

hopefully this will be the last time an entry here is all about how stressed i am. i can't make any promise except to promise to give it my best shot.

'zilla rant.

so finally, here it is. the big-time stress that comes with the business of getting married. I don't know how i started out so far ahead and calm to just end up this far behind and frantic. there are suddenly not enough hours in the day and my attention span is all over the place. i'm tense, i'm bitchy....i'm very nearly a 'zilla.

there are things that are driving me nuts. a few i can't express publicly because it just wouldn't be polite (although those of you who actually read this and are involved in this already KNOW what's bugging me, or at least parts of it), and at this point, it's vital to my sanity to just kind of continue to let stuff roll off my back as much as i can. i gotta keep a frame of mind that there are certain things that, in the big picture of everything, really AREN'T that big of a deal, and that everything will either fall into place, or i will adapt to however it falls, and that's just fine by me. in the meantime, while i wait for everything to either iron itself out or blow up in our faces, i do have a few things to get off my chest:

i'm a normal bride, so of course, i love talking about my wedding, but there are questions i get asked all the time that people just DON'T like my answers to. i get that scrunched up face of disapproval whenever i'm honest about these things and it's starting to bother me a little. seriously, i appreciate hearing ideas and opinions from other people (i've gotten some really good ideas this way), but when people ask me specific questions and then try to, i dunno, kind of argue with me about it or almost voice a disapproval in my opinion or decision, it's a bit irritating.....here's some examples.....

"ARE YOU GOING TO MIX SAND/LIGHT UNITY CANDLES?"

sorry to disappoint, but it's simply not happening - i get the symbolism of this stuff, and one of these things has happened at every wedding i've ever been to, and yes, it was sweet, but i have one objective for the ceremony: to get in, get married, and get out. yes, i want to enjoy my ceremony, but my goal is to make this thing official, and then party and celebrate with the people i love at the reception - when i tell people i'm not going to include one of these things in my ceremony they either ask "well, what ARE you going to do then?" or they offer up suggestions for alternative symbolic stuff - let me be real with you - i'm getting married in june. in tennessee. OUTSIDE. its going to be fucking HOT. does anyone want to spend an additional 6 minutes in the scorching heat so i can dump some pink sand on top of genes blue sand? or sit there for 10 minutes while we awkwardly try to figure out how to keep the candles lit outside because the wind suddenly decided to blow? i don't think so. we're getting married - you know why you are there. you understand that a marriage is the combining of "two lives into one" - and there are RINGS. and VOWS. isn't THAT enough symbolism for you????

"ARE YOU HAVING A VIDEOGRAPHER? YOU AREN'T?!?! WHY NOT?!??! OMG!"

no - i'm not having a videographer. this is, by far, the thing i get the most negative reaction to - yes, i know. it's the most important day of my life - yes, i realize that there may be a day....i dunno....35 years from now where i wake up and say "damn. i wish i could watch that all unfold ON VIDEO" but odds are, when that day comes, the DVD will be obsolete, and i'll just be sitting there with this now prehistoric looking piece of technology, banging it against the hologram player, trying to figure out how to work this "machine all the kids are watching movies on" - I decided to shell out the extra money i would have spent on a videographer on a really, really, REALLY great photographer (and he's covering EVERYTHING - in fact, i actually feel sorry for him)- I think about how some of the most important things i own are my grandparents wedding pictures - they are, of course, copies of the originals, but they are these little frozen pieces of time - these beautiful little chunks of proof that this day existed that can never be obsolete - and i want to have that to pass down too - i realize that photos aren't invincible, but a photo can always be seen - it doesn't require technology to watch it - it can be displayed forever. while i'm sure there are couples who really DO watch their wedding videos like, on a regular basis (or at least like, as an anniversary tradition or something cute like that), i don't think i ever would - it would probably eventually get lost in the shuffle of other DVDs we own, and then accidentally get thrown into a pile of things never to be seen again. when i think about stuff from my past that is on video....i can't tell you where the things are, and i can guarantee that most of them are on VHS, so i couldn't watch them even if i wanted to - believe me - i've had moments when i've thought for that not having a videographer is a bad decision (my friend casey has a wedding video that is like watching a major motion picture - it's incredible - hands down THE best wedding video i've ever seen....i kept waiting for a voiceover to come on and tell me when the movie was coming out so i could preorder my tickets...so awesome) but the more i think about it, the more my decision makes sense for me, so i'm good with it.

"WHAT DOES YOUR VEIL LOOK LIKE?"

no, i haven't picked out a veil. my dress hasn't even come in yet - people are appalled that i haven't chosen a veil, but honestly, finding a dress was stressful enough for me - at the time, i didn't really want to make a decision about a veil. why is that so crazy? doesn't choosing a veil kind of require you having the dress on so that you can see what the hell you are working with? the day i chose my dress was so emotional and weird for me that i couldn't get into the right head space to even consider something like a veil....but this question always leads to people trying to give me advice (which i love, but i'm so stressed i'm probably going to forget what you tell me anyway by the time its relevant) and asking......

"WELL, HOW ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR?"

again, i don't have a freaking clue. this isn't something i've sat around and pondered, and i've found that no matter what i say (up? half up, half down? down?) that i always get a disappointed face from whoever i'm talking to. maybe i'll just wear a bald cap and glue some tulle on it....

on top of the normal stress of planning a wedding, i've now had regularly occurring weird-ass dreams that always result in me waking up feeling anxious and well, more stressed than usual. they've included everything from live lobsters roaming the museum and stripper shoes to my mom and dad wearing headphones through the entire ceremony because their favorite baseball team is playing. I've had dreams where my dress has been stolen, my bridesmaids skipped my wedding to be bridesmaids in a different wedding, the string quartet showed up in KISS makeup, and everyone in attendance kept snapping their fingers while we said our vows. i'm freaking out....a little bit, anyway.

the stress is normal. i get that. but if i had a dollar for every time i've thought about eloping in the last month, i'd have half the wedding paid for by now. everything will fall into place. it always does....our wedding day will be perfect, even if its flawed. i just hope i don't implode between now and then.

our save the dates!

the same day that we ordered my dress from proposals, we went down to Molly's Paperie and looked at invitations and save the dates! i found some that i loved (designed by wiley valentine), and we went ahead and placed the order for our save the dates - hopefully they will arrive in the next month or so and we will be able to get them out by the middle of january! this is just the proof (i got it today!), but i'm so excited to actually see them! the pink looks very light on here, but it's darker in person - the text is in a charcoal grey color and i love how the pink and grey look together! they are letterpress, and the texture of the paper is incredible!!! i can't wait until they come in!

the guest list.....

the guest list.

the mere mention of it makes my head want to explode.  no single thing about the wedding so far has caused me as much stress as the thought of sitting down and realistically making a guest list has.  at first i thought "wow, this will be easy" - i mean, we can seat 200 people in our ceremony venue - in fact i remember thinking that 200 people sounded like a lot of freaking people to me, and i even thought "im going to be so humiliated when i cant even come up with 200 people to put in this place!"  but then one day, very casually in the car, mom and i started writing down names and before i knew it, over half of the slots for invites had already been filled (and MOST of them were MY family!!!!)  i actually almost had a nervous breakdown, and called off the list making before i hyperventilated. all these thoughts were getting crossed in my brain, and i just felt... panicked.

i think of what a wedding is (traditionally) supposed to be - an intimate moment shared between two people, in front of their very nearest and dearest friends and family - some people even choose to not share the moment with anyone, and as romantic as that sounds, i've never thought the "just the two of us" route would be the right one for me when i got married - i feel like it's something i really do want to share with everyone who is special to me, and i'm lucky enough to have the opportunity to do it, and i'm very much looking forward to it - but the more i go through the mental rolodex of people i've met and dearly loved (enough to say "hey, come witness the most important day of my life!") over the last 27 years of my life, its becoming increasingly difficult for me to decide who fits into this top 200.  

what exactly is the criteria for special? there isn't one. and every person who i consider to be a friend (in any sense of the word) is dear to me in their own way,  and if i could expand the number of people i could invite to be 2 or 3 times what it is now so that there are no hurt feelings, and so that my parents can feel a little less awkward about going to the grocery store and running into someone we may have offended by not being able to invite them,  i absolutely would, but the budget and the fire marshall simply would not allow it. don't get me wrong here - i'm in no way trying to sound as if i'm miss popularity over here with so many people knocking down my door that i can't even make time in my social calendar to breathe (in fact lately its quite the opposite), but i've already seen the "if we invite ______ we have to invite ______ and _______ because....." monster rear its ugly head a few times in the last 6 months...... and don't get me started on the people who i hadn't even considered yet who have magically reappeared in my life suddenly, or people who i only feel like i kind of know who have assured me that they'll be there and how excited they are for my big day.....200 seems like such a small number now - when you really think about it, its only 100 invitations (if you're doing them all as an invitee + guest...and if they have kids you want to invite, knock a couple of more off.....) MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE, Y'ALL.

i've come up with a few methods for how to decide who to knock off the "must invite" list, but there are always loopholes in every method i come up with.   the best solution i have for the problem so far is to invite the 200 people to the ceremony, and then open the number up to the reception - this brings up the question of  "will people be offended about only being invited to the reception?" and my half serious answer is that no, they won't, because in my experience, people only really go to the wedding for the reception anyway, am i right?  in the same vein, what's the point of going to the after party if you weren't there for the "big show"????  will just getting an invite to the reception make people feel "b" list? why is this so freaking confusing?

oh crap, we're screwed.

bridesmaid dress rant.

can i just say something and be completely honest?

bridesmaids dresses are horrible. absolutely, totally, completely horrible. 

i haven't seen a single thing in any of these magazines yet that i looked at and thought "yes. THATS something my friends will look good in AND like wearing"  - i mean, seriously, either everything is too matronly, too tacky, too wrong or just looks like there was some extra god-awful fabric lying around, so someone said "damn, i guess we can make a bridesmaids dress?"

i'm not one of those brides who wants my bridesmaids to look bad in order to make me look better.  I want them to look and feel pretty on my wedding day, and even though it sounds horribly cliche, i would love to find a dress that they would be able to wear somewhere again - 

i've seen a lot of the generic strapless, A-line, satin dresses, and i just think they are plain and too boring.   I'm getting married outside in the summer, so obviously i don't want my girls in anything long (i really don't want anyone sweating to death!) so i'm probably going to go with something tea length - the color i'm looking for is a platinum gray (why are ALL the bridesmaids dresses i see in really loud obnoxious colors?!?!?!)  and when i HAVE seen one and thought "okay, that could be cute" i soon discover that it only comes in really random, really ridiculous colors (you will never convince me that there is a large market for a color called "sherbet" but they make EVERY dress in it for some reason).  i also have bridesmaids who are all very different in every way - they each have their own style, and i don't really want to force them to dress in any certain way.....i kind of like the idea of saying "here's the designer i like, here's the color i like, go find your dress!" and letting them pick their style.... i've been in a wedding where the bride gave us that freedom and (even though i wasnt a fan of the color...) we all looked great because we got to choose the style of dress that best fit our personalities and body types.....perhaps that's the direction i'll go in, if i ever even find a designer i like! 

i sometimes wonder...wait, no, i ALWAYS wonder what people think when they stick their friends in something that is completely heinous - I've always gotten lucky in the situations when i've been a bridesmaid, and I've never been put in anything awful - but i've been to enough weddings to know that the whole ugly bridesmaids dress thing truly does happen ALL the time, and it's obvious that the "bridesmaids can't look as good as the bride" mentality is alive and well just based on the crap i've seen in this bridal magazines.  

bottom line is i want my bridesmaids to look beautiful and i want them to feel happy and confident - not like ridiculous technicolor puff balls walking down the aisle and then spending the reception secretly wishing they could change out of their dress.... i promise Kim, there wont be any green and purple combo dresses! ha! 

the search is on...if you know where they are hiding the non vomit inducing bridesmaids dresses, please let me know.....

planning

last week mom and i spent two very busy days in memphis meeting possible vendors for the wedding - i feel a million times better after these meetings because i feel like my "vision" (and i use the term "vision" very loosely, since i essentially had ZERO ideas until this time last week!) for a wedding is finally taking shape, and it feels like i've found some people im very excited to work with, and that i know will work very hard to come through with all the things we are planning. 

so far we have only signed a contract with the photographer - we chose kevin barre, who gene and i had a chance to meet at a bridal fair back in the spring - and i couldn't be MORE excited about this choice.  the minute i saw his photos, i knew he was exactly who i was looking for, plus it feels like his personality is exactly the kind that ill need on my wedding day!  he has some great ideas and is very familiar with the where venue we are getting married, so i feel confident that the pictures from my wedding day will be amazing!!!!

we also talked to a few different florists and bakeries about the wedding  and while im pretty much 100% settled on who im going with for these things, we havent set anything in stone yet - i keep having this recurring nightmare where we call to officially book the people i want though, and theyve already been booked for my wedding day by someone else, so mom and i made a deal that we would have all the booking done by this wednesday.

it feels weird to go from not even having a "vision" to having this much work done as far as planning the wedding - and i was always a little worried that mom and i would argue over petty stuff, or that doing these appointments together would bring out our creative differences, but so far we seem to be on the same page about everything, and she seems just as pleased as i am with the people we are going to have working on the wedding with us.  i'm reminded at some point every day how awesome my mom is and how lucky in the mom lottery - she already has so much on her plate, but is still willing to do whatever i need or ask as far as the planning process, and without her helping me, id still be sitting around without a plan or any clear direction.  

....oh, and i currently own EVERY bridal magazine that has been in print since march, so if you see me in a bookstore or anywhere for that matter with a bridal magazine in my hand, remind me that i probably already have the same magazine at home already - ive bought 4 magazines twice, because i forgot i had them - i mean, lets be honest, all the bridal magazines kind of run together after a while....