unbearable.

as i've said previously, i'm stressed out. beyond all comprehension......and while i often make silly jokes about it, the truth is that it's now affecting my everyday life and my relationships with the people i love the most, and this constant feeling of being on the verge of either being physically ill or going ape shit is getting really, really played out. pretty much everyone has noticed the changes in my personality - the thing i hear the most from people is that my sense of humor has changed - but no matter how hard i try, i can't just magically turn it around, and believe me when i say that i've honestly made an effort....

lately, when i start to get frustrated or angry or even just a little bit irritated i approach it one of 3 ways: (1) i pitch a little bratty fit (complete with eye rolls, tears, rude interruptions and stomping of feet) (2) i completely shut down or (3) i throw up.

the puking thing is a new development, and probably way too much information for the few people who actually read this, but i'm just trying to be as candid and honest as possible. none of these reactions to stress are pleasant, mature, proper or ideal, and they are all completely involuntary - most days when i wake up, i'm already in in a bad mood because i know that by the end of the day, i'm going to want to rip my hair out. if i could just hide under the covers in my bed all day long, i'd probably do it.

of course the planning of the wedding itself HAS been extremely stressful, and i'm sure on some level every bride to be goes through much of what i'm experiencing, but when this all started, i was pretty laid back about it all, and now i'm moody, overly sensitive, pouty person and i hardly recognize myself anymore...i'm so afraid that things are going to go haywire...that vendors won't show up...that the weather is going to be bad...that the flowers won't be the right shade of pink....all these tiny details that i could have cared less about six months ago are suddenly on my mind 24 hours a day. i've told my dress that i'm going to throw it into traffic (seriously, y'all - im getting into one-sided verbal altercations with inanimate objects...i had it on a week ago, was told that a change i wanted to make COULDN'T be made, and i looked down at my dress and threatened to "kill" it.)....i've cried in front of a seamstress.....i'm picking fights and making threats.....i'm a freaking monster in satin, tulle and an overpriced crystal headband....

there are strains being put on some of the most important relationships in my life - my mom (who has put up with so much crap from me over the last couple of months that she should be nominated for sainthood, or at the very least have a street named after her) and i had what HAS to be the WORST argument in the 28 years i've been alive over things that are so insignificant and stupid that i can't even really remember what they were - i screamed, rolled my eyes, pitched a fit and then threw up for 15 minutes over god only knows what....i don't fight with my mom. EVER - yes, we don't always see eye to eye on everything, and every once in a while we have our disagreements, but we never FIGHT - and this little episode was so ridiculous that i've seriously felt guilty about it every day since it happened. how dare i be such a 'zilla to the person who has done everything humanly possible to make this the wedding i want it to be (not to mention the million other things she's done for me in my life)......my mom is one of the most giving, selfless people on the planet, and to know that i possibly hurt her feelings at all with my little tantrum breaks my heart.....

and I can't tell you how many times i've just snapped at gene for no reason aside from being stressed and having nowhere to really direct it except at the person who is closest to me at the time - he gets the brunt of everything, and i honestly don't know how he stands to be around me on a daily basis. it just builds up inside me all day long, and then i come home and spew my bad mood all over his good day....it's not intentional at all - he's simply an innocent bystander - and in a way, the fact that i'm so comfortable around him is working against him in this situation, because it means i'm comfortable enough to lose my shit without really thinking about it - i know that i'm difficult to be around most of the time lately, and yet he is still as understanding as he's always been.

i can't even tell you how much time i've spent just sobbing for no apparent reason at all. it just comes out of me and it's as if i can't stop it. last night i laid in bed trying to get to the core of what my problem really is - i mean, the stress isn't ALL about the wedding - it's work, it's school, it's having zero time to relax, it's worrying about the future....it's the sheer idea of actually being MARRIED.....

not that i don't WANT to get married, because i really sincerely do. i found the right person (and if anything has proven that to me, it's that he's continued to love me through all of this), who i love more than i ever thought could be humanly possible, and i really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but i'm truly terrified of what being married means. i come from a family with ZERO divorces. we apparently beat the odds and mate for life. i was raised with amazing examples of people who truly, deeply love and respect each other, and because of these examples, i take marriage VERY seriously. now, i'm not saying that other people DON'T, (because i don't think it's too often that people go into a marriage ever expecting it to fail)but i do think there are quite a few people who approach it as "alright. we love each other, marriage is the next logical step, let's see how it goes" - according to every stupid bridal magazine i've read, getting married is supposed to be this big fun adventure, but, with the wedding now quickly approaching, i'm feeling a kind of anxiety that i've never experienced in my life. i'm worrying about things that aren't even halfway relevant to our lives right now - example? last week, i was driving in the car and i almost hyperventilated at the thought of not being able to put a kid through college. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

i'm terrified that i'm going to suck at being a wife - this is pretty damn irrational, right? i mean, i'm a GREAT girlfriend, but getting that way took a LOT of practice - there was quite a bit of trial and error that you get with dating that you don't get with marriage - it's a pass/fail kind of situation - this "wife" thing is brand new territory, and even though i don't really think there will be much of a difference in our day to day life, this new title STILL carries so much responsibility in my mind, and i'm so scared of failing at it's making me NUTS.

then, there's the thought of having a child - granted, we likely won't be having a child of our own for at least a couple (three? five? seven?) years, this is still something that i think about quite a bit. i could write all night long about my fears of having a child and screwing him or her up beyond repair just by saying or doing the wrong thing on accident - i'm noticing more and more that people are so deeply affected by things that happen to them in their first few years of life that the tiniest things can flip a switch in their brains that screw them up (like, my kid will need extensive therapy for separation anxiety that she starts experiencing in her teens, because i picked her up late from dance class once when she was 3 and a half or something CRAZY like that...you catch my drift), and the thought of being given this gift of a child and then profoundly scarring them accidentally somehow scares the shit out of me - look, i see my friends who have kids and it seems so natural and effortless to them - they are all exceptionally good parents - and i'm scared that it won't be that way for me. -in fact, i'm scared of babies. to me, they are cute little breakable things that occasionally make noises that i need to have translated for me, and while my instincts say "of COURSE you want a baby," another part of me thinks "maybe you aren't cut out for this...." yes, i'm about to have a step daughter, and don't think that i'm not constantly worried about screwing HER up, too.......that's a whole other blog entry of it's own. sheesh.

i could go on and on about the things that are stressing me out, but i think the key thing i need to focus on now is alleviating as much stress as i can, and doing so in ways that are healthy, and that don't leave a path of moody destruction wherever i go....i'm going to make sure to take a little more time for myself, and try to take better care of ME. gene and i started going to the gym, and even though we just started, i already feel a little bit like my stress level has reduced a bit. maybe being active is what i need to blow off some steam.

i'm also going to keep reminding myself of something my mom reminded me that i use to say all the time in the beginning stages of this planning process: the important thing is that we are getting married. none of this other crap matters.

it's easy to get wrapped up in everything - shades of pink...flavors of cake....numbers of chairs...menus....schedules....but if you lose site of what's important - that you're starting a life with the person who means the world to you - then what's the point of any of it? am i right?

hopefully this will be the last time an entry here is all about how stressed i am. i can't make any promise except to promise to give it my best shot.