super bore.

i don't watch football. i don't like it. i never have. it's slow, and when it's on t.v., there are too many commercials, thus making it EVEN SLOWER - i don't like that 4 minutes of a football game can last half an hour, and there's hardly any movement most of the time. just a bunch of dudes knocking a bunch of other dudes down. i don't like the looks i get when i admit that i hate football, or the fact that most of my life i was made to feel like an asshole by my family because i would have rather been ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING than sitting in front of a television all day on thanksgiving (or christmas, or new year's day...) watching one football game after another.... maybe that makes me un-american, but i can't help it.

in high school, i went to football games because that's what you were supposed to do. you go, you socialize, and on the way home you finally ask "did we win??" - senior year, when i was a cheerleader, i ALMOST started to enjoy football games, but i think that's only because my friends were on the team, and when they got knocked down, i took that shit personally. in college, i went to football games because, just like high school, that's what you were supposed to do. i only tailgated because it meant getting almost drunk enough before the game to be too liquored up to care that i was so bored. i never paid attention, and only thought about getting out of the stadium and back to a fraternity house to drink with my friends. at least at the fraternity house, there would be a BAND! woo!

because i hate football, it goes without saying that i don't care about the super bowl. at all. i don't even care about super bowl parties, even though this is the first year in recent memory that i didn't actually GO to one. i only really ever went to super bowl parties for the social aspect - there was ALWAYS awesome junk food, always lots of booze, and usually at least 2 or 3 other girls who cared more about the commercials than the game who i could sit with and chit chat about whatever.

"moving to england" got a check mark in the "pro" column yesterday when i realized i wouldn't be forced to watch the super bowl - it showed live, which means that it came on at a pretty unreasonable hour, and since most americans here have jobs that mean staying up until 3 a.m. to watch a football game really isn't an option. the husband didn't have to go into work until later this afternoon, so he had a friend over to watch the game, and i went upstairs and watched my own version of the super bowl (twilight, season 2 of footballers wives and donnie darko). i checked facebook from time to time, and got a good chuckle out of the way people reacted to christina aguilera's butchering of the national anthem (i watched it on youtube later and was embarrassed FOR her), and then when the halftime show began, i read a few comments that made me run downstairs to catch a few minutes of it. i was horrified.

i'm no fan of the black eyed peas, and that's not a secret to anyone who knows me. if i walk in a room and a black eyed peas song is playing, i'm probably going to find a reason to leave until it's over. i don't have a specific reason for hating them - i don't like their music. i don't think their lyrics are funny or clever. mostly i just find them to be irritating, and had them (and i meant ANYTHING by them, featuring them or from their solo stuff...) banned from being played at my wedding....so as you can probably guess, i didn't really expect to enjoy the half time show. i figured they'd come out, dressed as idiots (man, was i right about THAT), do something that, in their heads was going to be beyond awesome, and end up half assing it.....last night, they didn't even reach HALF assed.

i only saw about half of it live, but i watched videos of it for the same reason people slow down when they are driving by a horrific car crash - because i couldn't NOT watch it. as i watched, i had some thoughts:

first of all: slash? you're an incredible musician. nobody can dispute that you are exceptional at what you do, but, what you did last night was unacceptable. why didn't you just pull out a copy of appetite for destruction and take a dump on it on national television? that would have at least been a LITTLE more tolerable than watching the the look come across your face the moment you realized "this was probably a bad idea...." while you had the "f to the e-r-g the i the e" grinding all up on you - were you seriously THAT hard up for work? well, buddy, that trend is probably going to continue because i for one never want to see your gigantic mass of curls under a top hat ever, EVER again, no matter how well you shred on a guitar, and i'm pretty sure most of america shares my feelings right about now. from now on, when you're mentioned, people won't think of the incredible moments of your career - instead, they will instantly cringe at the memory of you playing the super bowl halftime show with the black eyed peas, because that image is something so awful, that it's permanently burned into their brain. you're dead to me, which is really irrelevant since i'm pretty certain that after he cleaned the glass and blood off his face from putting it through a closed window to try to get the noise to stop, axl rose took out a hit on you last night.

(side note: does slash ALWAYS have to enter the stage from underneath? is this his "thing"? i've seen him do this a lot - it's like he's afraid of stairs or something.)

and fergie (if that was, in fact, fergie - because honestly, the person singing BUTCHERING that rock classic last night sounded more like a coked-up drag queen inpersonating fergie...poorly) took that microphone in her hand and aurally raped millions of people. someone arrest her. not only was it just random and seemingly pointless for slash to have even made an appearance, but her singing wailing was BAD karaoke - the kind where you do your friend a favor and pull her drunk ass off the mini stage in the bar to save her further embarrassment. way to leave your girl hanging out there, other black eyed peas.

and that one guy (who i think is that will.i.am person) and his LEGO hair? i just don't have words for the lego hair, really...aside from stupid. he was auto-tuned the ENTIRE time, and the only thing i dislike more than the black eyed peas (when it comes to music) is excessive use of auto-tune. also, lego hair auto-tune guy tried to get all political and used one of their, um, "hits" to send out a message to our president:

"In America we need to get things straight / Obama, let's get these kids educated / Create jobs so the country stays stimulated." - lego hair auto-tune guy

if you want to be passionate about politics, or have a strong stance, or send a message, go for it, but i don't think the super bowl halftime show is really the "place" for it - people are watching for the funny commercials, and to just relax and watch a game of football - and i'm pretty sure that your little lyrical switch up was lost on pretty much everyone, especially considering that by that time, almost everyone had either changed the channel, muted the t.v., impaled their ear drums with sharp objects or gotten up to go pee because they just couldn't take it anymore. maybe you should just stick to what you know, which is apparently auto-tune, rhyming words with "maggot" and fun vinyl suits that light up.

the only saving grace of that whole painful 15 minutes was the almost 2 minutes that usher was on stage. i hope they sent him a giant bouquet of flowers or something to say "thanks for helping us suck a little less"

i also have a bone to pick with them - one where they ripped off MY idea. i can't find a picture of them, but at the end of their performance debacle, these robots with box heads came out to dance and whatnot. if you saw the halftime show, you know what i'm talking about. you couldn't miss them. the thing is, a few months ago, i was at work doing THIS:

looks suspiciously familiar, no???

the positive thing that came out of the halftime show? everyone forgot how badly christina aguilera botched the national anthem ("What so proudly we watched at the twilight's last reaming?"). at least for a little while......SHE should probably send the black eyed peas a  "thanks for sucking as much as you did" bottle of champagne.