a wife called chuck

i always assumed that when i finally found the "right" guy and got engaged, that i'd have this instant vision in my head of exactly what i wanted for a wedding.  unfortunately, this hasnt been the case, and i almost feel like the worst bride-to-be in the world when people ask me questions about the wedding that i honestly dont have the answers to.....

see, once upon a time i DID have a vision of my wedding day...I was supposed to be taken by a horse drawn carriage down my grandparents driveway to my wedding ceremony in their backyard garden gazebo where i would walk down the aisle - over the bridge that went over their koi pond - to the sounds of a string quartet.... my reception was going to also be at their house, and white tents would be set up in their backyard where my guests would dine and dance all night to the sounds of an amazing band....my grandmother and i talked about my wedding day for years.  i think she had the entire thing planned out in her head, and while i was always a little resistant to the idea of getting married in helena, the more she and i talked about it, the more i loved the idea......I think she must have known my engagement was coming because she had started replanting her garden, and now that the flowers are blooming, i see that they are all the things she and i had talked about.....its almost like she sensed it......when she died, the dream of the wedding at her house died with her.  as much as i still love the idea, its not something i could ever imagine doing without her there with me.  in fact, even considering doing it without her breaks my heart.  it was her dream as much as mine, and even though i know if i said its what i wanted that my family would make it happen, if i went through with it, i would spend my wedding day feeling sad......so now i have to find a new dream....come up with a new plan....and thats what im trying to do....im just not very good at it!!!!

the truth is that aside from where and when this thing is going to happen (Brooks Museum of the Art, June 26, 2010!),  i havent decided anything about the wedding.  i often say (half seriously) that i think i was born without the bridal gene, but every time it comes out of my mouth, i start to believe it a little bit more...

i have no idea what kind of dress i want or really what colors im into...beyond sticking some water lilies in a fountain in the courtyard where the ceremony is taking place,  i have no idea what kind of flowers will be there... i cant decide between a band and a d.j.....i dont have a "theme" or real aesthetic that im going for.....i dont have a "vision," and the sad thing is that while everyone else ive ever known whos gotten married has stressed out over things not being "perfect," IM stressing out about not even having an idea of what "perfection" is to me in terms of this wedding. right now, im not even concerned about anything really. i just feel really indifferent about all the details, and sort of wish i could turn all the planning over to someone else (who is in tune with my tastes), let them take care of it, and just show up and get married.

there are a few things that i DO know:  i love cupcakes, so there will be cupcakes somewhere at this wedding if it kills me.  also, im probably going to shoes that arent white...in fact, im leaning towards pink.....also, my future husband is hell bent on wearing a gray suit (which i guess im okay with)

i suppose that i have long enough to worry about it, and perhaps its just not time to get stressed yet.  I imagine the bridezilla in me will kick in when we are about 6 months away from the big day, and ill look back at this and long for the days when i was indifferent and laid back.