jobless

when we moved here, i anticipated it taking a while for me to find a job - i thought "it'll be nice to have a few weeks off to do absolutely nothing" - and i was right. it WAS nice. for a few weeks. now, i'm just bored.

i've fallen into this routine of staying up too late, which means i sleep in too long, and no matter how hard i've tried to force myself into some sort of "normal" routine, i do things like sleep through my alarm, or completely turning my phone off so that i can ignore it. in a nutshell: i've become pretty lazy.

not to say that i don't DO things, because i do - everyday i follow the same routine of cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the living room, sweeping the floors and dusting every surface on the bottom floor of the house. sometimes i clean upstairs, sometimes i don't. i take care of the dogs (which basically entails just making sure i know where all three of them are at all times, and assuring that they don't destroy anything). i cook dinner. i watch LOTS of episodes of shows i never had an interest in previously (top gear, two and a half men.....) i go out for the occasional random mini road trip (i find excuses to go to base for stuff, or i've driven out to the beer store 45 minutes away to get gene beer). i've been reading books i've already read before, just to make sure i didn't miss anything. i put brightly colored eyeshadow on just to get a good laugh before i wipe it off again. the other night, i taught myself to french braid (yes, i'm a nearly 30 year old woman, and i JUST learned to french braid - i never had to learn prior to this - i always had friends who would do it for me - sue me.). i'll think about random things, google them, and then end up on wikipedia for hours and hours, clicking on link after think, eventually forgetting why i ended up there in the first place. my mom recently sent me a instructional dvd on how to make animals out of towels (you know, like they do on every cruise ship and in every honeymoon suite on earth), and i've been so bored that i've actually considered learning how to do this. so yeah, i'm doing STUFF. it's just not stuff i'm getting paid for.

it's not like i haven't been LOOKING for a job. i started looking almost as soon as we got here - i remember sitting in our hotel room in the beginning of the second week of being here, throwing together a resume, and searching for potential employment, mainly at places with positions doing the thing i've done for the last 6 years: working with animals. i've had people call and say they were interested, that they would "discuss it with (insert name of person in charge)" and then i've never heard from them again. i had one place actually call me, tell me how i needed to "tweak" my resume to say exactly what they needed it to say so that they could hire me, tell me "you're by FAR the most qualified candidate we have," then drag me in for an interview in which they all but told me "hey, kid, you've got the job...." but apparently in the 48 hours after i was interviewed, they found someone "better" than me - maybe she had go-go gadget arms, mood controlling abilities to rival those of jasper cullen, spoke "woof woof" and "meow" and shot confetti and dingo bones out of her eyeballs or something? who knows.... anyway, the rejection i've felt in this job search has hurt more than pretty much any rejection i've ever felt in my life - seriously.... ask my husband - there have been many bouts of crying, and of literally throwing my hands up screaming "WHY DON'T THEY WANT MEEEEEEEE?" - it makes no sense in my head that it's legal for me to work here, i've done all the legwork and paperwork, i've got a massive amount of experience, and you fill my head with hope and then......NOTHING....WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

the truth is, i don't know why they don't want me. maybe they met me, and someone didn't like my hair color or my shoes. or maybe someone else's BFF from wherever decided she wanted the job, so they hired her instead. maybe it's karma for all those years my former coworkers and i would crowd around applications at the clinic and giggle at spelling errors, or the fact that the applicant just got out of prison for "assault with a deadly weapon" - i'll probably never know. but it's incredibly discouraging, and the longer i go without working, the more down i feel. i've never had this much trouble finding a job in my life - in fact, i've never interviewed for a job and NOT been hired. it's disheartening.

what i DO know for sure is that this housewife thing just isn't my cup of tea. i don't know how anyone who doesn't have kids can just be content to be a housewife. i'm not a fan of not having my "own" money, and while i realize that i "contribute" to the household by cleaning and cooking and taking care of the dogs, i don't like the fact that i'm not financially contributing, and i also feel like a monetary leech on my husband. i feel stupid asking him for things or for money, and yes, i realized that when we got married, the money coming into the household technically became "our" money, and he doesn't seem to mind footing the bill for whatever i want or need, but i'm one of those people who likes the validation of being able to buy something for myself, and this might sound weird, but i don't really want him to sacrifice something he wants because he has to fork over the cash for my "extravagant" stuff, or finance my nasty addictions to sephora and trish mcevoy. i want to be able to shop guilt free. i want to be able to take my husband out for dinner. i want to be able to do whatever i want to do, without double checking with him that it's okay....

i keep thinking and telling myself that all the rejection is just leaving me open for a bigger and better opportunity that is surely just right around the corner (which corner? i have no idea, but hopefully i'll come to it soon), but the longer i go without gainful employment, the harder it is to believe all the hype i'm trying to feed myself. maybe i should stop panicking, or maybe i should continue to panic, but do it more productively......


i'm off to figure out how one "panics productively" - toodles.