'zilla rant.

so finally, here it is. the big-time stress that comes with the business of getting married. I don't know how i started out so far ahead and calm to just end up this far behind and frantic. there are suddenly not enough hours in the day and my attention span is all over the place. i'm tense, i'm bitchy....i'm very nearly a 'zilla.

there are things that are driving me nuts. a few i can't express publicly because it just wouldn't be polite (although those of you who actually read this and are involved in this already KNOW what's bugging me, or at least parts of it), and at this point, it's vital to my sanity to just kind of continue to let stuff roll off my back as much as i can. i gotta keep a frame of mind that there are certain things that, in the big picture of everything, really AREN'T that big of a deal, and that everything will either fall into place, or i will adapt to however it falls, and that's just fine by me. in the meantime, while i wait for everything to either iron itself out or blow up in our faces, i do have a few things to get off my chest:

i'm a normal bride, so of course, i love talking about my wedding, but there are questions i get asked all the time that people just DON'T like my answers to. i get that scrunched up face of disapproval whenever i'm honest about these things and it's starting to bother me a little. seriously, i appreciate hearing ideas and opinions from other people (i've gotten some really good ideas this way), but when people ask me specific questions and then try to, i dunno, kind of argue with me about it or almost voice a disapproval in my opinion or decision, it's a bit irritating.....here's some examples.....

"ARE YOU GOING TO MIX SAND/LIGHT UNITY CANDLES?"

sorry to disappoint, but it's simply not happening - i get the symbolism of this stuff, and one of these things has happened at every wedding i've ever been to, and yes, it was sweet, but i have one objective for the ceremony: to get in, get married, and get out. yes, i want to enjoy my ceremony, but my goal is to make this thing official, and then party and celebrate with the people i love at the reception - when i tell people i'm not going to include one of these things in my ceremony they either ask "well, what ARE you going to do then?" or they offer up suggestions for alternative symbolic stuff - let me be real with you - i'm getting married in june. in tennessee. OUTSIDE. its going to be fucking HOT. does anyone want to spend an additional 6 minutes in the scorching heat so i can dump some pink sand on top of genes blue sand? or sit there for 10 minutes while we awkwardly try to figure out how to keep the candles lit outside because the wind suddenly decided to blow? i don't think so. we're getting married - you know why you are there. you understand that a marriage is the combining of "two lives into one" - and there are RINGS. and VOWS. isn't THAT enough symbolism for you????

"ARE YOU HAVING A VIDEOGRAPHER? YOU AREN'T?!?! WHY NOT?!??! OMG!"

no - i'm not having a videographer. this is, by far, the thing i get the most negative reaction to - yes, i know. it's the most important day of my life - yes, i realize that there may be a day....i dunno....35 years from now where i wake up and say "damn. i wish i could watch that all unfold ON VIDEO" but odds are, when that day comes, the DVD will be obsolete, and i'll just be sitting there with this now prehistoric looking piece of technology, banging it against the hologram player, trying to figure out how to work this "machine all the kids are watching movies on" - I decided to shell out the extra money i would have spent on a videographer on a really, really, REALLY great photographer (and he's covering EVERYTHING - in fact, i actually feel sorry for him)- I think about how some of the most important things i own are my grandparents wedding pictures - they are, of course, copies of the originals, but they are these little frozen pieces of time - these beautiful little chunks of proof that this day existed that can never be obsolete - and i want to have that to pass down too - i realize that photos aren't invincible, but a photo can always be seen - it doesn't require technology to watch it - it can be displayed forever. while i'm sure there are couples who really DO watch their wedding videos like, on a regular basis (or at least like, as an anniversary tradition or something cute like that), i don't think i ever would - it would probably eventually get lost in the shuffle of other DVDs we own, and then accidentally get thrown into a pile of things never to be seen again. when i think about stuff from my past that is on video....i can't tell you where the things are, and i can guarantee that most of them are on VHS, so i couldn't watch them even if i wanted to - believe me - i've had moments when i've thought for that not having a videographer is a bad decision (my friend casey has a wedding video that is like watching a major motion picture - it's incredible - hands down THE best wedding video i've ever seen....i kept waiting for a voiceover to come on and tell me when the movie was coming out so i could preorder my tickets...so awesome) but the more i think about it, the more my decision makes sense for me, so i'm good with it.

"WHAT DOES YOUR VEIL LOOK LIKE?"

no, i haven't picked out a veil. my dress hasn't even come in yet - people are appalled that i haven't chosen a veil, but honestly, finding a dress was stressful enough for me - at the time, i didn't really want to make a decision about a veil. why is that so crazy? doesn't choosing a veil kind of require you having the dress on so that you can see what the hell you are working with? the day i chose my dress was so emotional and weird for me that i couldn't get into the right head space to even consider something like a veil....but this question always leads to people trying to give me advice (which i love, but i'm so stressed i'm probably going to forget what you tell me anyway by the time its relevant) and asking......

"WELL, HOW ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR?"

again, i don't have a freaking clue. this isn't something i've sat around and pondered, and i've found that no matter what i say (up? half up, half down? down?) that i always get a disappointed face from whoever i'm talking to. maybe i'll just wear a bald cap and glue some tulle on it....

on top of the normal stress of planning a wedding, i've now had regularly occurring weird-ass dreams that always result in me waking up feeling anxious and well, more stressed than usual. they've included everything from live lobsters roaming the museum and stripper shoes to my mom and dad wearing headphones through the entire ceremony because their favorite baseball team is playing. I've had dreams where my dress has been stolen, my bridesmaids skipped my wedding to be bridesmaids in a different wedding, the string quartet showed up in KISS makeup, and everyone in attendance kept snapping their fingers while we said our vows. i'm freaking out....a little bit, anyway.

the stress is normal. i get that. but if i had a dollar for every time i've thought about eloping in the last month, i'd have half the wedding paid for by now. everything will fall into place. it always does....our wedding day will be perfect, even if its flawed. i just hope i don't implode between now and then.