grief

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.  It isn't just death we have to grieve - It's life. It's loss. It's change - and when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime - that's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive - by remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again, and always, every time, it takes your breath away."   - Grey's Anatomy

it's occurred to me recently that i cry at some point every single day.  This wasn't always the case, since i've always been a relatively happy person, but in the last 8 months or so, me ending up in tears has happened on a daily basis.  sometimes it lasts for 30 seconds, and other times it lasts much longer, and 99% of the time it's caused by the same thing.  I don't know what triggers it, but every single day at some point i think of my grandmother, and it takes my breath away. today for instance - i was washing dishes and all of a sudden just burst into tears while standing over my sink.  some days i'll just be driving in the car and start crying out of nowhere. it's starting to make me think i'm insane. I think the reason i cry is not because i think of some beautiful happy memory i have with her (and i have millions of those), but instead i think of the last few moments that i ever saw her - lying in a hospital bed, connected to what seemed like an endless number of machines - and i hear the beeps, and the sound of the respirator breathing for her, and i remember every little detail.  i remember standing there holding her hand and thinking how beautiful her nails looked. i remember looking at her face - perfectly clean and with this flawless skin - and noticing for the first time how much i truly look like her. I remember sitting at her bedside and being the only one with her for a few minutes and having what i knew in my heart would be my last conversation with her (a one sided conversation, but a conversation regardless) I remember knowing that this was IT, and that our family would emerge from that hospital a little bit damaged, and wondering how exactly we would make it through this. I remember the nurse bringing the forms to sign and then i remember the moment we were brought back into the room to say goodbye, after the machines had been disconnected, and listening to her last few breaths.  the sounds are completely burned into my brain and i hear them over and over and over again every single day - and as she died,  i sat there at the foot of her bed with my hand on her just trying to come to terms with what we'd just had to do.  i see these moments in little flashes all pieced together, and i just cry. 

i don't know why my memory chooses to revisit something so awful instead of focusing on all of the great moments that i had with her - it would be so much easier to cope with her being gone if i could just smile and laugh at the memories i have that are good ones, instead of constantly being reminded of the nightmare of that day.  i expected for the first few months to be hard, but it's just been so long, and i'm still always crying. 

i cry because i'm selfish, and because i'm angry that there's so much she is going to miss out on, and i just feel that it's the most unfair thing that could have ever happened to us and especially to her. I have asked myself a million times if this would have been easier to deal with had it been something we had expected (which seems silly to say, because i don't think anyone ever really "expects" death, but you get my point) or something that we didn't have to make a "choice" about, and i still haven't come up with an answer - and i realize how lucky and blessed i am to have had her in my life for so long, and to have had a grandmother who was so dedicated and loving to me throughout my entire life. she was always there for EVERYTHING. i guess i should just feel grateful for that, but here i am,  now 8 months away from what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, and i'm so fixated on the fact that my grandmother won't be there that i can hardly stand it.  i don't think about how great everything is going to be, but instead think of how much greater it would be if she were going to be there.  

i wonder if every time i lose someone i love is going to be this hard.  i watch my grandfather who loved my grandmother for over 50 years, and i see a man who is truly missing the love of his life, and is completely heartbroken, and i don't know how he manages to keep going.  i said once after she died that the thought of getting married scares me terribly because someday one of us is going to have to live without the other - but knowing what i know about my grandparents relationship, i know that living in fear of losing someone is not worth missing out on all the amazing stuff in between life and death.  

sometimes i feel that i'm lucky because i DO hurt this much from the loss of her.  how incredible is it to have been able to love and be loved so much?  its beyond incredible, and i'm one of the luckiest people on earth to have been able to have called her my grammy. i realize that there is no timeline for grief, but i truly look forward to the day that i can put the pain behind me, and remember all of the wonderful and happy things instead of those sad last days.