so this is the new year....

so we're officially three days into 2010. it's what i've been waiting for since not very long after 2009 started. i mean, honestly, last year started out with as much promise and hope as every other "new" year of my life, but it didn't take long for it to take a gigantic turn for the worst....when i think about it, i don't really know if it's been THAT great of a year for anyone - i mean, the economy is in the crapper, and there is a general sense of displeasure about the state of our country in general - but, and i'm being totally biased when i say this of course, i feel like 2009 was especially hard for me and my family...it's definitely the hardest year i can recall us ever having - business didn't exactly get off to the roaring start we'd hoped for, the love of my life got sent 7,000 miles away, and we lost my grandmother in the first few weeks of the year. it's been rough and painful, and a huge period full of adjustments and learning experiences for all of us, and as i look back on the last 12 months and the times i thought "HOW are we going to get through this?" i feel proud that despite all of our own stress and grief, we DID make it through, and we did so without forgetting that first and foremost, we are a FAMILY. we had our bumps in the road - some teeny tiny, and some that felt so huge that i didn't think we'd make it over them, but we did....somehow.

my grandmother's answer for any problem, heartbreak, annoyance, dilemma, ailment, etc. was wrapped up in four little words: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" - it didn't matter if we were talking about a hangnail, a car crash, an ugly color of nailpolish, or the tsunami - big or small, earthshattering or laughable - if you went to my grandmother with a problem or a concern, she'd give you an ear full of advice, but she would almost always end with those four words. i've heard her voice in my head a million times in the last year saying them to me, and everytime i feel myself feeling down or stressing out, i think of the phrase that essentially became her signature - and i feel a little bit better. i would sometimes laugh at her or roll my eyes when she'd say it to me, but ya know what? she was always right. just the way my mom s always right when she tells me "everything happens for a reason," my grandmother was always right about everything passing. i started to think of the entire year as one big problem, so in my head, i just kept going "its ALMOST over...this too shall pass" - and now it's done. do i feel any better? not really....

it occurred to me on new years eve that everyone in the world is just waiting for the clock to strike midnight so that they can start over - i've always felt that way, too - like somehow, at midnight, the slate magically gets wiped clean, but in reality, when you wake up on january 1, everything that bothered you on december 31 is STILL going to be there just waiting on you to recover from your hangover. you can make a resolution to do this or change that, but until you resolve all the crap that messed up the previous year for you, thus making you want to make resolutions, you can't really resolve to do anything - you're doomed to fail before you even begin!your problems don't go away at 12:01...there's no 12-month lease on grief, heartache, or stress......and as i sat there in my apartment (yeah, i totally didn't go out this year - instead i stayed home and watched movies and passed out well before midnight!) with all of this quiet excitement about this awful year of my life coming to an end, i realized how terribly stupid i was being so fixated on a date.... for looking so forward to the clock striking midnight....

yes, its a new year - and don't get me wrong - i still admire those optimistic, positive people who are so filled with hope that this is going to be "their year" - and i actually have a lot to look forward to (at least in the first half of the year!) i'm getting married, after all - and my husband-to-be will be home in just a matter of weeks. and yeah, there is still leftover pain, sadness, disappointment and stress from 2009, but in honor of my dear grammy, i think ill just look at the last year as making me one year smarter and stronger, and one year luckier for experiencing the love and happiness that i did this year, despite all the not so happy things. it DID have its bright spots after all (i'm engaged! i'm healthy! i have a family who loves me! i have amazing friends!), and as for the negative crap i'll be taking into the new year? this too shall pass....